Booger Taxonomy
Since I was three years old, I have long wanted to articulate these ideas, and today I am doing it (possibly against my better sensibilities).
Boogers sound gross. It’s like poop. When you’re a kid you can talk about them and some of your friends will laugh and some will say “EWWW” but as an adult it seems to have disappeared altogether as a topic of discourse. I find this disappointing. Cleaning your nose out is something that you do maybe every day, multiple times a day, and it is often enjoyable in the way it relieves your breathing. But another aspect of this activity from which you can derive enjoyment is the boogers themselves.
They come in all kinds of different shapes, sizes, and textures. Over the years, I’ve come to recognize their variety is finite. All the hobbies and professions of the world give different words to the fine distinctions between different things. Flashlight enthusiasts have “floody” and “throwy” lights, respiratory mask enthusiasts talk of earloop, headloop, bi-folds, tri-folds, duckbill, cup, and frame (Zimi masks are great!) shapes, and number fans have an encyclopedia containing almost all (actually almost none) of the possible integer sequences.
Today we’re going to categorize boogers. I did not look up to see if this existed because I don’t really want to look at other people’s boogers, and I don’t want them to contaminate my pre-existing booger ontology.
Planar
Let’s start off with a common one. The Planar booger. Planars are flat and solid and kind of transparent. They usually form on the bottom or sides of your nostrils, and they slide right out when you pick them.
I don’t like these that much because after picking them, the part of the nostril where they sat feels very dry and bare. The optimal nostril is one that is not stuffed, but still have some thin layer of mucus lining the sides.
Crust
These are dry, hard, and brittle and are irregularly shaped, usually longer. For me, these are by far the most common non-liquid booger.
Crusts are the gray skies of the booger world. Dull and typical. Nevertheless, I like them more the Planars. Removing them leaves the airways feeling fresh.
Squish
These are squishy. Wet, not dry, but definitely not like a fluid. It stays fixed on a tissue if you rotate the tissue. Color-wise they’re opaque, white or green-ish. They are fun and cute and give off a bright, sunny vibe.
These are the, in my mind, the classic booger. It’s what you think when people say booger and usually what you see in depictions of the booger in drawings and media.
Despite that, I actually don’t encounter these all that often.
Glob
The glob is like a Shiny Pokemon. The number of times I’ve encountered a true glob are probably less than 10.
Globs are very thick and long bulbs of booger. Kind of like a very large Squish except slightly more viscous. On a tissue if you rotate it, it will flow slowly.
I have a memory in preschool where this tall girl had this huge glob hanging down her nose, and she just sat there as it dangled. A teacher went to get a tissue and wipe it for her. At the time I never had a glob, and was wondering how it was possible to get such a large booger. I wish I could go back and tell myself then: Do not worry, your life will not be without Globs.
Mesh
Meshes are like slime. Usually when you’re sick and blow your nose, most of the time it’s mesh.
Mesh is the only booger that can last 5+ runs of blowing and picking. Sometimes there’s just a lot of it backed up. Last month I had a cold-like ailment where it would take upwards of 10 blows to clear out my nose of meshes.
Meshes are alright.
Ash
After you get a bloody nose and it heals, you may get a booger that is black in part or in whole. It can be planar, crust, or squish usually. In addition to the booger, when you are picking out your nose, there may be a dark powder-like substance, formed from the dried blood. I call this Ash.
Ash is the remnants of battle. It is the monument to the valiant battle your body fought to heal the breach in your nostrils. When you see ash, it is a good moment to thank your body. It has not had a day off since the day you were born.
Liquid
Finally, Liquid is the liquid-like booger you get when you have a runny nose. I don't really count these as boogers since blowing them out never elicits the satisfying feeling of removing a booger, but thought I should include it for completeness.
End
Differentiation is the essence of subjective experience. Go forth, my friends, and learn to differentiate your boogers!